reminded...

tonight I am reminded of the brokenness of this world.
babies who are sick and fighting for their lives
occasionally losing the battle here on earth and going forward
to true healing
but sadness remains for those left
broken hearts around me
in blogs that I read
my injured pup
limping and in pain

imperfect bodies
imperfect world
but when I look closely
there is beauty and perfection all around
even in the brokenness.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama!!

A letter to my mom in celebration of her....

Mama,
I don't even know where to start. You've been a mother for almost 33 years, just over half your life, wow. You and Daddy are the only people who have known me from the minute of my birth, who have walked beside me in person or in spirit every single day of the past 29 years. I cannot imagine you not being there, just a phone call or plane ride away. It is unbearable to imagine it. I love you so much. You have been there through everything, crying in my sadness, rejoicing in the accomplishments, praying for my heart and my safety in this world. I would NOT be here today if not for those prayers, for you stepping in when I needed it, for you doing the difficult things a parent must do when in the best interest of the child. And probably most importantly, you have let me go when I needed to be allowed to go... you have let me spread my wings and move forward in my life no matter where it took me. I know this must be so hard for you, it breaks my heart when I think upon it too much, that your children are all so far away right now. You do not deserve that heartache, but I know it comes with motherhood. Pieces of your heart are walking around in this world far away from you. But Mama, we know you're there and THAT means more than anything I could ever explain. To KNOW you're there helps me get through each day. To feel so loved and wanted makes me cry even now. You always made us feel wanted and valued... we never doubted your love of being a mother. You and Daddy ENJOYED our presence, you WANTED to be with us.

Thank you for that. Thank you for listening to my stories on the way home from school every.single.day and at the dinner table. Thank you for defending me when my feelings were hurt. Thank you for trying your best with my fragile emotions... I know it must have been hard raising such a sensitive daughter. Thank you for brushing my hair and scratching my back and reading books to us at bedtime. Thank you for always saying "I love you" out loud, for giving hugs, for sewing a million costumes for school plays and some dresses for me. Thank you for teaching me responsibility, how to handle money wisely, how to drive. Thank you for introducing me to God. Thank you for coming to my rescue during hard times, for coming to visit me no matter how far away I live. Thank you for believing in my heart, my abilities, my strength.

I love you so much, mama. I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful day where you feel just as loved as you always made us feel. We are so blessed that God gave us to you and daddy. I send you a lot of hugs today, enough to last until I give you a REAL one on Tuesday!! :)

So much love,
calissa

p.s. I have the handwritten version of this letter and will give it to you on Tuesday.

Nervous all the time

Whew, work is stressing me out lately. Let me give you some background...
Our unit can hold 24 babies on the floor, plus there is an overflow room that can hold 6 babies if needed. Before coming off orientation in December, our census was in a low phase of rarely even 20 babies... at least one nurse every night was being asked to go home because we had too much staff. I was warned all the time that the census waxes and wanes... it will be low for a while, and then a boom will hit and we'll be at maximum capacity. Well, that low census thing lasted for a few weeks after my orientation was over... and then we got a boom and it hasn't slowed down since.

Right now our census is consistently in the high 20s... we have beds up to 30, and squeezing SIX babies in that overflow room is hard, though we've had to do it. However we also must have AT LEAST one admission bed available in case a baby comes up, plus one transition bed set up in case a full-term baby is having trouble and needs to "transition" (stay in NICU for 4 hours and see if they must be admitted). It's INSANE trying to find room when our census is like it is. Yes, the unit can be "closed" and laboring moms sent elsewhere, but understandably we do what we can to keep that from happening.

Now, add to this the acuity of our past couple of weeks... acuity is the degree of sickness of our babies. Normally it's at a pretty manageable level, but lately our acuity has even shot through the roof. Several VERY sick babies with a high census makes me (and all the other nurses) NERVOUS before every single shift of work. My heart pounds, I have no idea what patient assignment I will get... no doubt it will be hard, whether it's one sick baby (read: scary) or several intermediate babies (read: busy). Work is just hard right now.

Will you pray for me? And honestly for my whole unit. The staff and the babies (and their parents) could use prayers. Especially that we, as nurses/doctors, would be able to act quickly, make good decisions on the spot, and help each other. Thanks... I type this as I'm getting ready for work, my hands are shaking slightly and my heart pounds... I know it will be okay once I get there because I will do my job one minute at a time, but it's still scary to know how many very fragile ones we are caring for right now.

Birthday weekend!

Off to the beach I go with a bunch of girls from work... my birthday is tomorrow! :) I'm SO EXCITED to be brave and go on such a social adventure for the weekend. Should be fun, especially for my LAST birthday ever as a 20-something.

Love to you all.
I am just so thankful for the stability of my heart and life lately...
for the bravery I am finding within...
for loving my job and my coworkers...
for love with no conditions - to give AND receive.
Thankful for it all.

Nice to meet you....

My dog has a cousin and a new friend! My brother and sister-in-law have gotten their first pet and become a family of three. It's very exciting! :) Their new dog is a 7-month-old black lab/beagle mix and is absolutely precious. His name is Winston Alexander.... Winston because it was just too cute to pass up and Alexander in memory of my uncle who recently passed away unexpectedly. The names went together beautifully we thought! So below are some pics of Winston with his new family, including my dog Casie. *click any photo to enlarge*

The new guy Winston.... The new family

Patient pups................. Pals

And of course, PLAYTIME!!

Babies R Us....

is like my heaven. I love that store. I walk in and instantly feel all warm and fuzzy inside, wishing I could buy every single precious outfit for all the children I don't even have. This is where being a NICU nurse is bad for my pocketbook!

Two trips in two weeks

I've been on two trips recently, both to Texas to visit people precious to my soul. My work schedule the past couple of weeks has afforded two long breaks without having to take vacation time.

The first trip...

A stop in Dallas for a couple of days to visit my sweet friend Heather. We crafted and talked, watched a movie, ate mexican food, played with her cats, took a walk with an impromptu hike through some woods, did a puzzle, played rummikub, shopped at Target, and just enjoyed hanging out. With her, I don't have to be anyone but me... we just chill and there's no pressure. It's great.

The last part of this first trip involved surprising my mom for her birthday. My dad and I had it all planned out... they had to come to Dallas to pick me up, so there had to be a pretty GOOD story to get my mom up to Dallas without suspecting anything. Well, we did awesome and she had NO CLUE. Poor thing, she was SO confused at first but so excited when she figured out her daughter was coming home unexpectedly for a few days. We had a wonderful time. I went to church on Sunday morning and visited with many people who also had no idea I would be home. Met up with some of my extended family, learned how to play Wii with one of my little cousins, hung out with some of my young girlfriends (kids I used to babysit who are now well into their teen years... weird!), and just enjoyed time in the physical presence of my parents. These times are few and far between with me living in Baltimore and working full-time... my Christmas visit was a whole 48 hours, so this trip was well-enjoyed by us all.

Second trip...

A stop in Houston for the weekend with my bestest friend in the whole world Kasey. We've been pals for almost 10 years and our friendship continues to grow no matter the time or distance between us. We don't even *talk* that often, but our connection refuses to wane. There is a trust between us that cannot be questioned. We never doubt each other... there is just an unmistakable understanding. So I visited her 1st grade class on Friday (adorable kiddos!) and then we went to the Rockets game on Friday night (21st win in a row!)... then we spent Saturday at the beach in Galveston, me in my rolled-up jeans and pink flip-flops. We both got very sun-burned, but it was so refreshing. A wonderfully chill weekend with another precious friend.

These past two weeks have been priceless to my soul. I was feeling pretty weary and tired from a busy work schedule, so have been thankful for the break. I do miss my patients, especially a particular baby girl who has won over my heart in her 3 months of life so far. She went to major surgery the day before I left for my second trip... unfortunately I was SO nervous and scared for her (it was a surgery that could have taken her life) that I could not even feel excitement until I heard word from her precious mama that all was well and she had made it through better than anyone expected. I visited her the night before I left for Houston... her mom and I chatted quietly over her bedside, in awe of the miracle she is, comforting her when she squirmed in pain. I love this baby and her parents. I am so thankful that she is okay and can't wait to see her on Thursday night when I go back to work! She still has a long road ahead of her, but hopefully the worst is behind. So I enjoyed my time in Houston without worry, receiving frequent updates about baby girl via text messages from fellow nurses and her mom.

I'm feeling like I might come back to my blog more often. Not sure why I needed the break, but just didn't have much to say. Maybe that will change. :)

Sweet little Ash.... (updated at bottom)

has been home since before Christmas living the life every 2-year-0ld deserves. Illness has avoided her and things have been wonderful. Her family has been together again rather than separated by many states.

Suddenly yesterday her parents grew concerned because her breathing became more rapid... they sensed something was wrong. In a matter of 24 hours, she has been transported from Texas to Shreveport and then air-flighted to her transplant hospital in Omaha, Nebraska. She is there now on a vent and "rapidly declining" but nobody knows why. Her parents and doctors are at a loss.... her lungs appear to be overtaken by *something* but nobody knows what. Every test they run keeps coming back negative, but the xrays of her lungs apparently look terrible so there is something invading her little body. Lots of meds have been started to stop whatever it might be, but she is REALLY struggling (kidneys are shutting down, blood pressure dropping, etc).

PLEASE PRAY.... this child is already medically fragile, which is evident by how quickly she can go from living life to very, very ill. I have asked this before in times when Ashley has literally looked death in the face and God has spared her every time... but again I ask you to please PRAY and lift this girl up to God who has her moments in His hands.

This is her website where her parents have asked that anyone and everyone pray for their precious girl. (And please don't forget her mom and dad, plus her two older siblings who are still in Texas and worried about their baby sister!)

*UPDATE*
As of April 20 (after a rough couple of months at her transplant hospital in Omaha), the girl is home in Texas again living life to the best of her little 2-year-old abilities! Seriously, this sweet child has been given the gift of LIFE more times than any of us can count and we are all SO thankful!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!
(This is not my dog... I found this image on a google search)

HOORAY!!

Little Ashley made it home to Texas for Christmas! This is a complete miracle and answered prayer of so many hearts. After a trip to the doctor for vomiting that just wouldn't stop, she ended up back in Omaha for over 3 months facing organ rejection and complications. It's been a long road and is amazing that she made it home for the holidays. This is her first Christmas *not* spent in a hospital!

Here's a pic of the precious girl from her website.

On my own

Twelve weeks of orientation to my new job as a NICU nurse was completed yesterday. Starting on night shift Christmas Eve, I'll be working independently with my own patient assignments. I'm so excited and understandably a little nervous, but I am confident it's going to be ok... mainly because of the wonderful coworkers I have who make themselves completely available for any questions I have or help I may need. We are all resources to each other and I am so thankful for the work environment I've found on this unit. I feel at home and liked and supported.

We've had our share of especially *sick* little kiddos lately, not just a normal flow of preemies. With every critical infant, emergency intubation, or unexpected and sudden complication during an otherwise uneventful hospital stay... with every one of these events lately I am reminded of the fragility of these infants, but also of their strength. Given the chance and the help, they keep fighting as hard as they can. It's amazing to be an integral part of these little miracles, to walk alongside the parents as we all navigate the twists and turns of the NICU experience.

This holiday season, please join with me in praying for our babies who will spend their first Christmas in a hospital... more specifically pray that this first hospital Christmas will not be their *only* Christmas, but rather the first of many more to come as they survive and grow and move on from our unit. And also for the parents, as they grieve the loss of having a healthy infant in their arms around the family tree for first Christmas pictures.

In the meantime we all celebrate their little beating hearts and breathing lungs... the fact that they are still with us to celebrate this Christmas at all. For that, for all our babies, we are thankful.

Update on Ashley and myself

Little miss Ash is doing pretty well considering all she's been through lately. Feeds have been resumed after 35 days of giving her bowel a rest. She still has a chest tube to drain fluid from her left lung. Please keep up the prayers and healing thoughts. Her blog is here if you'd like to read updates or leave encouraging words.

As for me, things are going really well. Change and growth are constant... good things are happening in my world. I am thankful and excited.

How quickly things change...

Earlier this morning, Ashley's parents wrote a post that most recent biopsies show NO REJECTION... that her small intestine is responding favorably to the anti-rejection meds. Of course this is very good!

However this news comes on the heels of issues developing (over the weekend) with her heart and lungs due to fluid overload in her little body. Suddenly, as of this afternoon, those issues have gained ground leaving her left lung either collapsed or full of fluid. This is not good.

Lift her up in prayer, please. And especially her parents as they make tough decisions regarding her care, consents to sign, etc. I hope these updates are reaching people who will pray for this precious girl. Her blog can be found here with regular updates.

This blog will be on hold indefinitely
(except for updates about little Ashley).
Struggling with it at this point and need a break.
I would delete it, but don't want to lose it forever...
and I'm pretty sure I'll want to come back at some point.

PLEASE keep prayers going for sweet little Ash...
her blog can always be checked here.

Thanks.
In case anyone's wondering, my new job as a NICU nurse is going really well. It is definitely where I belong. I just simply won't be *here* as much for various reasons even I don't quite understand. I need to put it away for a while.

Tough therapy appt today. Not really sure why. There were emotions and tears churning just below the surface... I tried to express my thoughts, but didn't feel the words were coming out right. It was frustrating to leave so unsatisfied, like things were unfinished, but I couldn't pinpoint specifics. Well, I take that back... I could pinpoint specifics, but I couldn't *get them out*... like they were stuck in my mind, making sense to me inside but coming out all jumbled. Annoying.

Mood has been down the past few days... just simply feeling a sadness inside. I'm thinking this is magnified by how tired I feel adjusting to a full-time night shift schedule (three 7pm-7am shifts per wk). I've heard it takes time. I've been sleeping every chance I get. My body is crying out for rest.

My dog and I are going on a field trip tonight. My brother and sister-in-law invited us over to carve pumpkins, so we're leaving for that in about 5 minutes. With my brother getting married and both of us starting new jobs in the past month, we haven't seen each other much at all lately, so this will be a nice evening to catch up and enjoy their company.

Hoping to find energy soon to write more. HUGS and love to anyone who may read this.

Quick post - heading out to a night shift. Ashley is in active rejection of her small intestine. Prayers needed!

Time just keeps passing...

and I don't have much to say these days. My blog sits here with no new words. I'm determined to write some tonight.

Early this morning, I was playing ball with my dog in the backyard and ended up breaking a window on my house. Of course it was an accident, but the repercussions of that one event taught me a huge lesson today. I have found myself crying over it on and off for the rest of the day.

I don't consider myself a mean person. But if I talked to other people the way I was talking to myself today, I would be horribly mean. I would NEVER say the words I say to myself to another human being. For the first time, I really stopped and *listened* to the words going through my head... I mean, I stepped back and looked at it as a conversation... as if a child (or anyone) had broken the window on accident and the thoughts going through my head were my response to that person. Oh my goodness, I can't even write down the types of scolding words I was thinking. And all over a stupid window that can be fixed. I was so mean.

So the thought battle has raged all day... the mean thoughts made me cry a lot. But then, even when I would try to be nice to myself, that made me cry too. I would talk nicely to the little girl inside... even now it makes my eyes fill with tears. It's amazing how HARD it is to talk nicely to myself.

Anyway, big lessons from today...
It's just a window.
Everyone has accidents.
I need to change the mantras in my head. The ones I speak now give no grace, only condemnation. And I don't want to keep treating myself that way. Nobody deserves to hear such mean words. All they do is make me cry, feel worthless, and get stuck in a downward spiral of self-hurt.

For these lessons, I'm thankful I broke the window and went through some heartache today (no matter how unnecessarily). Otherwise I might not have so tangibly connected with the ways I talk to myself. I was even mentally scolding myself about crying so much, which of course just made me cry even more. What in the world? So, some days are better and more stable than others. Today just happened to be an extra sensitive day... we're all entitled to those. And honestly, it's all part of the growth. Renovations are always messy.

And one of my friends told me once, it's okay to be messy with our emotions. At least that means I'm feeling them, listening to them, allowing them to come forth. I know *for sure* that I would rather cry every day than feel numb to the world. So if that's what this process takes, I'll keep doing it. Growth is so worth it.

Update on little Ashley

Please check her blog for updates, including a recent video her mom just posted entitled *Tough to watch*... it shows us very honestly how she is doing and how much she is struggling. As painful as it is to watch, it is so obvious how many prayers she needs and yet how she is still very much a 2-year-old little girl with determination.

As of now, her abdomen continues to get more and more distended... her bowel is not happy and she is so uncomfortable. Please lift up a prayer for this sweet girl and send her your healing thoughts and hugs.

Someone's distress in the middle of the night...

I woke up at around 3 am and could not fall back to sleep. I listened to music in the dark and around 4:00 finally decided to just turn on my lamp and read for a while. Shortly after I turned on the light in my room, I began to hear loud voices outside. Since it's cool finally, I've been keeping my windows open in my room on the second floor. At first it sounded like two people up real late partying, maybe walking home or something. Then I noticed a different tone in the voice... distress, crying, yelling. Then I began to make out words among the cries... "Help me! Somebody please, help me! Somebody!" I get chills again just writing those words. I couldn't tell if it was male or female (I think male), but I realized quickly that it was only one person and that he or she needed help badly. I grabbed my shoes and my phone and cautiously walked down the stairs to my front door... I could tell the voice was getting further from my house and that worried me. My head was also telling me to be careful, but I decided to step outside in the dark. The yelling had ceased completely. It had been getting a little softer, as if the person was crossing the street, but it had still been easily audible... now there was nothing. Then I saw a policeman pass my house... I ran after his car but he didn't see me. Thankfully he turned around at the end of the street and came back. Apparently someone else had called about the yelling as well, but now no one could find this person. I told him it sounded like the person was right outside my house and then crossing the street, moving further away, and then silence. He said "Thank you" and "We'll keep looking"... I turned around to walk back in my house, noticing my hands trembling violently. I sat on my front porch for about 30 minutes, willing myself to hear something, anything... and there was nothing.

Where did this person go? How did they disappear so fast? He or she is heavy on my heart... I don't know if help was found, whether this person was hurt and has collapsed somewhere, hoping for someone to help. I still listen from my room and can't hear anyone.

Please pray with me for this person. Please... he or she was in SO MUCH distress, calling out for help, and now just gone in the night. The light is beginning to peek over the horizon thankfully. Maybe day will bring help to that hurting soul.

Sparkle

My roommate could tell anyone... the "sparkle" in my eyes has returned. I can feel it. Starting this job is a great thing and I am so thankful. I took the picture below with my cell phone on my way home from therapy yesterday (which I had immediately after work). I snapped the picture because I felt so good inside... my therapist said my smile was unlike any of mine she'd seen in a while, so I wanted to capture it. I wanted to see it for myself. I was stunned by the picture... I look at peace and happy. And I was.

Last week I had a sort of *breakthrough* in therapy. I was hesitant to call it such at first, but as the days have passed, I am amazed to witness the change in my heart because of just one appointment where I finally said something I've needed to say for literally over 6 months. Something that would sneak into my head during every.single.appointment as time approached the hour of leaving... I would walk out having remained quiet, too scared to share. Finally saying the words during this appt was so hard... it involved sketching a picture, then writing words, then hiding my paper in hesitancy to reveal. The courage came, the paper and words were shared, and my appt yesterday showed me just how much last week's time truly was a breakthrough. When have I ever walked out of a therapy appt feeling as peaceful and happy as that picture portrays? Well, okay, except for last week... I walked out feeling pretty good after that one too!

I am so thankful tonight for healing. As much as it hurts sometimes, I can see tangible progress, an obvious degree of healing, whenever I look at that picture. I am where I should be. I am not on anyone else's timetable but my own. And I am excited.